You turned my morning into shouting
Sorrow may last for a night
But with the light, i am seeing, i am singing
You lifted me out, You lifted me out
And set me dancing, dancing
Free, now i am free, Your love rescued me
Now its the anthem i'm singing"
-Chris Tomlin "You Lifted Me Out"
yes. that is how i am feeling. i really didn't know how to put it into words so i'll let mr. tomlin do the talking. i really don't write in this blog ever, but the way i am feeling i wanted to remember and yes i am being too lazy to write in my journal for i am afraid this declaration will become lengthy. i am being totally vulnerable right now but i wanted to share my story of Christ's redemption. i don't really know where to begin...so i will begin by saying this.... GLORY TO GOD!
Many have not known, but through 2009 i was struggling through depression and anxiety. everyday my eyes were like faucets that never got turned off, i broke out in hives, i just laid in bed, everyday was a bad day. i lost interests in a lot of things and felt like i was nothing. my self esteem was at an all time low. i began having rapid weight gain and started going to the gym twice a day in hopes to get endorphines to make me feel better. i would tell people i went to just watch TV because I don't have cable (which was a plus) but the truth was i just felt aweful about myself. it was a pit that i had fallen into and felt like there was no way for me to get out of it. finally my mom made me go to a depression screening at the University of Kentucky were i was referred to a counseling center. it was a long, long seven months. though counseling and meds were very helpful, i still did not feel the joyfulness that i once had felt and to me that was the most heartbreaking and depressing part. i longed for Christ to restore me. i tried to find comfort in knowing that God was there for me and that He must be up to something, but what that was i did not yet know. why i was feeling depressed? i do not know the exact trigger. part i know was from graduating and leaving all my friends and seperating from my best friend janet, whose side i rarely ever left. a lot was from insecurities that had developed over the past few years. i thought i was too shy and introverted. a couple years ago a minister told me that i was too shy to do ministry, and his voice just kept ringing in my head. i had applied for jobs but did not get any, so i thought it was because i am shy. it made me hate the way i was.
We are going to rewind time for a little bit back to March 2009 when I am sitting on a plane heading back to cincinnati from Northern Ireland. My i-pod was on shuffle and "God Of This City" (i can't help it that tomlin speaks to me soul) came on. it was at that moment i really felt that God was leading towards ministry in the United Kingdom. it didn't have to be northern ireland but the uk was placed on my heart at that moment. During the summer of 09 i applied through this organization to place me with a church in england. After a couple months of waiting i found out all the churches that were looking for interns wanted males. i felt as though a door was being slammed in my face. i was at my wits end, it broke my heart because i thought that was where God was calling me. But i soon realized that i had given up faith too soon. About a month later I got a voicemail saying that a church was interested and after a SKYPE interview I got offered the position to be the youth intern at St. Francis Church in London, England. I was stoked, but part of me still doubted. I kept telling myself those churches that wanted males, it was all part of His plan, He was waiting for this church, because that is where He wanted me. GLORY! HE KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING!...but i still doubted...oh me of little faith.
Over the past couple of months, the depression and anxiety has gotten better. Even though those things got better, I knew that true healing comes from the Father, and without Him my spirit would not be healed. There is only so much that a pill can do. I wanted to seek out healing from my Father but to be honest I didn't know exactly how to go about doing that. But even through my doubts, God is still the God who provides and I am glad to say that He has offered me healing. Even though it took me worshipping among 22,000 strangers to do so. i finally relaized that i needed to let it go in order for God to take it from me. My grip was tight, but praise Him, He is very much stronger than I am.
Passion 2010. The best thing that has happened to me over the past year. i know that i go to these conferences and get "spiritual and conference highs", but this time is different. never before in my life have i felt like this. what i think it is, I finally allowed God to take my hurt, my insecurities, my depression and heal me. I mentioned earlier that i thought God was up to something but i didn't know what, but my girl Beth Moore made me realize God was using this time in my life to equip me to bring glory to His name. The points she shared:
-God equips us by preparing us.
-God equips us by adjusting us. (Boy did He give me major life adjustments)
-God equips us by repairing us. (I would soon find this out the next evening)
-God equips us by filling us. (Thank you Jesus, for your Holy Spirit!)
Even though Beth beasted her sermon (sorry for all of you that do not think this is an appropriate word because she is a woman but she spoke the Truth of God). I was not getting the "good, conference high". i thought God was mad at me and was making himself distant. Yet, I will repeat God is much more intelligent than I am. He proved me wrong. The next night I scored front row center for Hillsong United (i must add the sincereity of their worship was so encouraging). And then after a couple of songs Joel Houston came up to the microphone with tears in his eyes and said something like, "Sometimes I feel like during worship everyone around me is getting it but I am not. There is nothing wrong with you. God is not distant from you. God is here. God is here. God is here." He spoke my heart. I feel sometimes like I am Moses and when I can't verbalize things, God sends me an Aaron. Then the first chords of "Mighty to Save" started going. I raised my hands and closed my eyes. I just pondered on the words, My God is mighty to save and how HUGE he is and that my depression was nothing that He could not save me from. It was during those 3 minutes that I finally was able to let go and allow God to start His healing process on me. I have not felt like this in all my life. I experienced true healing because I finally allowed God to do His thing. Like I am overflowing with joy right now, i don't know what to do with myself. God wasn't giving me the "conference high" but something that would last far beyond Passion 2010...He gave me His joy.
At the next session Tomlin began to sing a song that He had been singing all week. Some of the lines go "God you are greater, God you are higher than any other, God you are healer, awesome in power". I felt overwhelming joy during that song especially when it came to the God you are healer, because for the first time i truly trusted and recognized God as the Healer of my life. He saved me from my pit of depression. Music is something that has always inspired me and speaks to me soul. God truly used it this week.
Finally, for the first time I became excited for my move to London. God made my doubts go away. i was reminded of a quote that Louie Giglio said at Passion 2007, "It doesn't matter where you are going, how you are getting there, all that matters is who is going with you, and that is Jesus Christ." God has given me this fire. Beth Moore said God equips us by repairing and filling us, I have realized how right she was. God had to repair me so He could fill me with his joy and that will equip me to share His joy with the youth of England.
I seriously am not trying to put myself on a pedastal or wanting pats on the back. I just wanted to share my story of hope and healing i found in Christ. I have been a Christian since i was 13 years old, i am going to be 23 in a couple of months and I wish it didnt tae me almost 10 years to realize the full effect of God's healing power. i guess later is better than never. I just wanted to share my story in hopes that it will be an encouragement. i wanted to write this out so i would never forget.
THERE IS NO ONE LIKE OUR GOD! ALL GLORY AND PRAISE TO HIM!
